I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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