don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
