I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
