One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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