I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
