You're a womanizer and a bitch.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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