sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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