Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
