we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
