"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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