My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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