And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I fill condoms, not promises.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
