my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
found the other keg... it's in the tree
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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