mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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