I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Green mimosas i think yes
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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