How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
