Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
