we have officially lost it.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
