girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
