I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
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