Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
