Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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