Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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