you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
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