dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
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