My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
