jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
