So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Did I show you my penis last night?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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