Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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