i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
