You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
