____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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