I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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