I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
