just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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