i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
My dick has a subreddit
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
