Swine flu is the new snow day.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize