I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
