Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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