you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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