Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
