Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
