Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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