yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
high people should be assigned attendants
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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