I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
