you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
