i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
