Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
