Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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