mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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