i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
