You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
