I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
