3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
her facebook's as public as her vagina
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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