She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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