I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
