dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
