good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
