Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
