Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
