I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
