Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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