i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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