Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize