Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
